Why I’m Embracing Running Now More Than Ever

I have no idea why, but I recently became re-enchanted with running.

Running has always been there.  It’s been in the background of every day and every week for many many years.  I would look at my calendar and give top billing to the things that I thought were most important – school, and then eventually work.  Because (unless you’re a professional athlete) they are supposed to be the most important things, right?  And then I would try to fit running in around those things.  I used running to burn calories and “stay healthy” as an obligation rather than as a separate practice with its own goals and redeeming qualities.  I would go through busy phases when I had to study a lot and didn’t get as much sleep as I wanted.  I’d get burnt out because I was tired and do a workout on the elliptical because it was easier and I could read a magazine.  And then I graduated and started my job, and I was more tired than I had ever been thanks to the mental fatigue that results from having 100 different conversations with 100 different patients and parents every day.

So running ebbed and flowed.  I started to believe that running was simply my way of managing my calorie intake.  Everyone has to exercise, and I just happened to do it by running.  I didn’t spend much time considering whether the act of running itself made me happy.  I generally spent a lot of time dreading my runs because I knew it would be hard to get myself out the door, and I expected to be tired.  I would compromise and make bargains with myself, going for a shorter run to just be sure that I got credit for doing something.  Running was something I fit into my life, but it wasn’t defining my life.

For most of my life, I haven’t been giving myself permission to use running as one of the things that defines me.  I was never fast or a good enough competitor to feel validated in making running a top priority.  And I was more afraid that I wouldn’t achieve my career goals because that’s where I thought I had a chance to excel.  So running was in the back seat.  It’s not that I didn’t have goals related to running, but rather that when it was time to divide my time and energy resources, running often drew the short straw.

Maybe it’s because I never defined myself as a runner.  When people would ask me if I ran, I’d usually say something like, “Oh, yeah, but I’m not fast or anything, I just run for fun.”  I insisted on following up my admission of being a “runner” with a disclaimer that I was not what they must be picturing.  But I’m learning that I might be off base.  When the average person pictures a “runner,” they aren’t necessarily picturing a Boston qualifier or a former state champion.  They’re picturing the guy in their neighborhood who they see out for a run in the morning before work.  They don’t know how fast he is or how he stacks up to everyone in his age group.  They just know that he’s one of those crazy guys who’s up and at ’em when the rest of the neighborhood is pouring coffee.  Nobody else was holding me to an absurdly high standard in order to define me as a runner, so why was I?

Well, recently some sort of new awareness dawned on me.  I still haven’t achieved my career goals, and I’m still not satisfied with my progress in that department, but that’s another story for another day.  The point is that I was letting my focus on that aspect of my life keep me from focusing on other aspects.  I had allowed myself to believe that I had to first achieve all my career goals in order to FINALLY have the free time to pursue my other goals.  I was putting off everything else I loved in order to achieve that one thing.  In the past two years, however, I’ve started to really take a close look at what makes me happy.  If you recall a post I made a couple weeks ago, I explained that all I want is to go for a great run and have some healthy food.  So I had to ask myself, if running is that important to my happiness, then why am I letting so many things come before it?  If my health is that important (and whose isn’t?!), then how could anything come between me and my best health?

I knew some things needed to change.  If I was going to be happy, then I needed to start prioritizing things that actually make me happy.  I’m starting small.  So far, I’ve made a couple of minor mental adjustments.  Instead of feeling pressure to meet social obligations, I’m going to bed when I want to.  Instead of feeling pressure to be more available at work, I’m heading to the gym whenever my lunch hour allows.  Instead of nervously fretting about how frivolous it is to sign up for expensive races, I’m enjoying them and acknowledging that they provide a great return on investment – what they give me back in motivation is worth every penny.  Instead of squeezing in a two mile trot around the block just to get credit for a workout, I’m asking a little bit more of myself.  And I’m finding the mental energy to do it by reminding myself that I am a runner, and I am choosing this.  It does define me, and it’s every bit as important as the other things that define me.

I’m learning that I can’t be everything.  I can’t be the devoted runner and be the friend who’s always fun at 1:00 in the morning.  So I chose.  I’m the runner.

Suddenly on the backdrop of career-related stress and anxiety, it feels like running is something dependable in my life.  I can get faster or slower and no one else will be holding me accountable for my performance.  I am giving myself permission to be satisfied by something in my life other than my earning potential and to tabulate my self-worth on the basis of more than my income.  And the best part is that I don’t have to wait any longer.  Instead of waiting to be a runner in some hypothetical future when my career is more settled and I’ve finally bought my forever home, I can be a runner right now.

On that note, I believe it’s time for my run.